To live
by moonbird
Summary: The doctor only briefly sees himself. And wonders what he have to go through to become to that


For a Time Lord the Doctor was young, he knew that. Only a bit over a hundred and as long as a Time Lord stayed put on Gallifrey he could practically live forever. But he also knew that he knew more about life and the world than the average Time Lord who had rounded a 1000 years, and when you have rounded the 1000 and have stayed put for so long, it was doubtful you would ever get out or ever feel it necessary to learn something new**. **Which probably was why the Doctor already felt ancient and old.

So far he had only used up one of his 13 promised lives and was in his second incarnation, but he definitely knew he would never like dying. He had grown into his new persona and body and liked it a lot now, just as much as his last self, but it had been a hard and terrifying process to go through. Even though his old body had been aged and were due for regeneration, plus the regeneration had gone as smoothly as it was possible, he had woken at night with trauma and nightmares, his head hurting from thoughts that weren't his and impulses that weren't his. How everything just seemed bigger as his head was suddenly closer to the ground was just shockingly, not to mention the shock he got every time he had seen his reflection in those first couple of days. He just knew it would be just as hard and terrifying to go through again, if not worse, he couldn't even imagine the strain and trauma it would be to go through regeneration immaturely.

Which made him wonder how many times he would be able to do it?

There were many Time Lords who had only regenerated once and refused to take a second take at regeneration and a third life. As young and foolish as he had been, The Doctor never understood why anybody would willingly give up their lives like that when they could just get another. Now that he did, it was a good thing this body was young and strong so he didn't even have to give it consideration for a very long time. Yet the decision was already taken from him, the reason that had triggered this stream of depressing thoughts stood at the other side of the road, cars of the 21st century were driving in front of him and between them, separating them.

What the Doctor saw on the other side of the road scared him more than anything he had ever seen before, more than the Cybermen, more than the endless deeps of the crumbling mountains at Drex, and more than the ruthless Daleks. It made him very afraid of the future and he wondered what it was he had to do or go through to become that.

On the other side of the road was a tall rough looking man, his head was almost bald, probably shaved, his leather jacket black and simple. It was either a sign of rebelliousness or it was prove that he just didn't care, but it all came down to the eyes. The piercing ice blue gaze yet with a hint of a sick green color was dulled as the man observed him, as if he didn't really care what he was looking at.

The Doctor felt his hearts beat rising and a chill go down his spine, that older version of himself didn't seemed like him at all**, **the Doctor couldn't recognize himself in the least neither in the outward looks nor in the emotions that flooded the other person.

That other person seemed ancient, old and tired, he was obviously carrying burdens too heavy for any man to carry alone and yet he did**. **The man that the Doctor was destined to become looked so dull and tired. It scared the Doctor as he realized that this man was able to kill and hurt if he had to.

The hair on the Doctor's neck raised. It was something he had sworn he never would do, and yet he could sense that that man in front of him had already done it. Whatever had he gone through to become that?

"Doctor?"

The Doctor gasped. He had been completely lost in his thoughts and the voice took him completely by surprise, but after collecting himself he could only thank Jamie for pulling him out of the depression flooding of his mind and back to reality. "Yes, what is it Jamie?"

The young Highlander looked worried, glancing between the Doctor and the future Doctor before looking back again. "You seemed a wee bit distracted, does that bloke mean trouble?" he hinted at the future Doctor.

The Doctor shook his head. "No, no trouble at all. Just let him be."

" Aye, probably best." Jamie nodded. "That's the sort of man always means big trouble, you trust me on this one Doctor, he's got death hanging above him, he does."

The Doctor's eyes were transfixed at his future self as he nodded slowly and hesitated a bit. "Yes he does. Even you can feel it, can't you?" He lifted an eyebrow as he glanced sideways at Jamie only to discover that his future self was already gone when he looked back.

Though the memory remained clear as day, and the fear was still very present in his chest.. no.. I won't become him, this is my faith and I am in control of it. A man shouldn't be able to have more than one life anyway.

But his next life was forced upon him by trial. Then when he was dying again, from his own foolish mistakes. Sarah was begging him to live, so he did, as did Peri and he had to live and by that time he had forgotten that dark shadow from the future, until he was suddenly him.

He had forgotten that he had seen himself at that street, he had even forgotten that he had been there before, and now when he did see his younger self, he just didn't care, the Doctor just wanted to die. He didn't know why he still lived, somebody had just yelled live! at him, someone had begged him just to live, and so he did, but he wanted to die.

Dully he observed how his younger self looking intensely at him with furrowed brows and a closed mouth. He seemed to recall that he already had felt a bit old then, but that was nothing, he literately was the last memory of a dead world now.

There was Jamie. The dullness in the Doctor's chest stirred a bit releasing an unknown feeling of perhaps, amusement? But then calmed down again as Jamie eyed him suspiciously and then gave his younger self a solid shock by approaching him.

It would be good to have someone like Jamie around, someone just to steer a bit around in his dark thoughts…or he would probably soon commit suicide…he needed someone to tell him…please live.

In another place in time an alarm clock was beeping and the blond girl laying in bed slammed her hand down on it as she was already halfway out of bed so she could get to work in the shop.

_In honorable mentions I have to give me deepest and most sincere thanks to Primsong who have been so very kind to beta read and fix up this story._

_Thank you so much!_

_And yeas, the second doctor totally needs some more love, people absolutely forget how wonderful he was. differently one of the best actors ever to portray the doc._

_so does the ninth doctor I believe, people have totally forgotten all about him, they just assume David Tennant was there from the beginning._

_"So, it have been 5 years David." "Urh...4.. I weren't there the first year" (actual conversation from interview)_


End file.
